Sunday, November 19, 2006

Shame and Happiness

Time heals all wounds, and I find my wounds left from the sudden death of my friend David beginning to heal over. It is a slower process than I would like, to be sure, but it is happening.

Yesterday I waited for someone, anyone to call me from South Carolina to let me know how things were going. I thought there was going to be a gathering the night before in order to let everyone vent and mingle together. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen, neither the gathering nor the call. I called my friend Joy late last night to find out if she had met up with anyone, but she didn’t answer.

I felt a bit hurt at what I perceived as a slight; it was pure egotism on my part. After a while, I reminded myself that if anyone had gotten together, that the emotion of the weekend and the memories of our departed took precedence over calling me. There were far bigger things going on than connecting with me. Having assured myself that there was nothing personal going on, I went to bed.

This morning I went to church and realized, to my horror, that I had missed a training session for Sunday school teachers because I had become upset over David’s death. After church, I got a call from Joy, explaining that she had not gone out anywhere Saturday night, and that by the time I called, she had already gone to bed. We then swapped several phone calls as I tried to navigate her to the site of the funeral service.

A couple of hours later, my friend Cliff called me from Chili’s. He was with a group of mutual friends who had gone to the funeral, and he passed the phone around to let me talk to them. Some I had last seen back at our theatre department’s reunion in June; a couple I had not seen since my friend Holli’s wedding in 1999. It was good to reconnect, even if it were only by phone. Some of them even expressed hope that when my family and I move south next year, we all can get together more often and on much more pleasant circumstances.

I’m feeling many different emotions right now. Overall sadness at the loss of my friend. Shame at my egotistical desire to have people call me Saturday. Relief at the connections I did make this afternoon. Finally, hope that this will lead to renewed communication with those I reestablished with.

1 comment:

ombra said...

I apologize for not calling on Saturday, I have not been very successful at anything lately. But that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of you, because I certainly do - during the service yesterday, you were very present. I'm just worthless lately, and I am so sorry.